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Creativity in Madness

Ravings of a Lunatic

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Location: Mokena, Illinois, United States

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. ~Rita Mae Brown~

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Monday, May 22, 2006

My crabby pants

I'm having an awful day. I had such a bad sinus headache last night that I was nauseous, so sleep was mostly out of the question. And the scanner was giving me lip this morning, I almost punched it.
And I'm depressed again. Gotta be. I keep crying at work for no reason. No work reason, anyway. My mind goes a-wandering and I start crying about, oh, everything. Usually regarding the lack of whatever from Mr Sexy (today it's the lack of visits, still), or sometimes I can't stop thinking of my mom dying (she's fine, not sick at all or close to dying), and if those aren't enough, my mind comes up with a zillion things that get me weepy.
Now, I miss the meds I was on. At least I was less-likely to get as weepy.

I've been getting increasingly tired of being alone all the time. I tried to get people to go out with me this week-end, but no success. The best I got was to watch the 3rd cross-town-classic sox vs cubs game with my sister. We lost, but the first two were total spankings.

I just feel like I've been alone for a long time. Even though I'm in this "relationship".
Which doesn't really feel like a relatioship.
Needless to say, there still has been no mention of celebrating my birthday late. I'm not even sure I want to ask if I can come down for Memorial Day, because I don't want to deal with the rejection again and get into another fight.
And I think I stunned him speachless for a few minutes when I mentioned that we have this anniversary next month.

I hate this whole feeling, of not being able to see him, of feeling like a high-maintenance bitch who never is fun to be around because she's always bitching, simply because I want to see him.

But I don't want to break up. I guess I'm not miserable enough, yet.

Now I'm crying in the stupid Panera.

Monday, May 15, 2006


I've been so tired lately. I haven't even had the brain aptitude to study anything in weeks. In fact, I don't even think I can sit through a book, a computer game, or even a movie. I can keep my attention span together enough for TV, but that's in limited supply (good tv).

I have my final dentist appt on Thursday, so yay yay yay!
That's also the day that Mr Sexy returns. Wednesday or Thursday. I don't know which.

What else, what else....Gods, I can't think of anything anymore. I was all set to end this, and then I ended up on the phone with the Ex for about 45 minutes, so now I can't remember what I was going to put.

I guess it'll come back if it's important.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Funny little thing

When my Dad yells at my little little sister, he still yells my name instead. Like, "N! Get your shoes on! It's time to go!" He yells my name instead of hers.
Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm 32 years old, but I'm also the oldest, so I guess it's my name he's been yelling the longest.

I got another email from Mr Sexy on Thursday, he sent postcards, but those probably won't be here for about 3 weeks, long after he returns. I'm sure he's having a blast, but when he wrote the email they had been in an area the night before that had a lot of anti-american sentiment people around, so they stayed on the boat for their lives. They have, however, acquired some Dutch Green, so staying on the boat wasn't as boring.
He said that some of the boat's crew was going to take him and his brother out "for a rockin' time" that night. Hopefully they stayed out of too much trouble.

Monday, May 08, 2006


That means big hands. Abnormally big. Which mine are, right now. I went drum drum drummng with Gilly on Saturday, and have bruised joints and tendons, and swollen fingers to report. But it was SO MUCH FUN! I can't wait to go again. And I want to get my brother and sister to go too! I want to get everyone I know to go, maybe I'll get some of the north side friends to go some friday night.
So, it's hard to type, and I was useless yesterday and just watched TV and played games that only required a mouse click. Even that was difficult...

I thought about you a lot, Snowtiger, and we talked about you (Gilly and I). If you read this, do you still go to Lothlorien? We were toying with the idea of trying to go down there again. Wondering who still goes.....

A fox has been in our area, and it ate the baby rabbits nesting in our neighbors bushes.

Oh, I got an email from Mr Sexy, that came in early in the morning on the 6th. He was in Belgium at that point, and apparently those cybercafes are hard to find there. But find one, he did, and it turns out that him and his brother are the youngest people on the boat. His brother is 45, and he's 35.
I laughed pretty hard at that. I bet it's mostly retirees. I told him not to fall for some old rich lady who just wants to take care of him for the rest of her life, unless she will include me in the deal.

I came home sick today, I just feel really kinda crappy. Hard to pin down exactly. But I feel pretty nauseous most of the time, and like I have medicine head but without even taking allergy medicine.
I know I'll go in tomorrow, but I don't know what exactly I have. I really hope I'm not coming down with the cold my Dad's had. It's nasty, and I can hear him up all hours of the night, coughing and blowing his nose. I hear it's a 3-weeker and some people have been through 3 anti-biotics because an infection will settle into the lungs.
I can't really afford to get that sick. Not enough sick time for work, I don't even know if I'm eligible for the 4 hours I took today.

I think I should go get some fruit or orange juice. Just to keep my vitamin C up.

Oh, and I got a card and a Target Card from the Writer, on Saturday. Yay! More shopping!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

You know you're getting old when...

all you think about is when you can go to bed.
I was SO TIRED yesterday, that I did just that, once I got home from dinner at the Dead Lobster. (my choice)
So, Tuesday night I stayed on the phone with Mr Sexy until midnight so I could talk to him on my birthday. I haven't talked to him since then, his flight out of StL was at 10am yesterday.
The Writer called me at midnight:02 to be the first person to call me on my birthday. And he sent me something, too. It's not here yet, but will probably be here tomorrow.
Alex, Bobby Lee & Casey sent me a nice flowering plant to my work for my birthday, so everyone knew it was my birthday. And now they all know how old I am.
My mom called me at 1:14pm, the time I was born, and then after I got home, I realized my sister was here. I defied my step-mom's attempts at way-laying me in the garage (unintentionally) and I walked in on my sister printing out my birthday present. Tickets to the White Sox vs Indians on June 11th! Just me and her, on a Sunday afternoon at the ballpark. I'm SO EXCITED!
Honestly, it's the best birthday present ever!
My brother and his girlfriend got me a Best Buy card, so I'm going out this week-end to get a wireless mouse, and probably Land of the Dead and Dawn of the Dead (remake).
Or maybe I'll get a carrier for this computer. Or maybe some games.
My mom and Matt, and my Dad and step-mom all contributed to the computer fund.
You know, my computer needs a name.
So, I just went to Godchecker.com, and I'm really impressed by the amount of Gods they have there! Their slogan is "We have more Gods than you can shake a stick at."
Hmm. Needs research, though, this name thing.

Oh, the mayor of New Lenox charged over $1400 at a stripclub on the company credit card the other day.

Anyhow, I'm tired, and I got a lot of messages for birthday wishes yesterday, so I need to get to replying to them.

Monday, May 01, 2006

May Day May Day!

Happy Beltaine to me! Of course, it's been years since I was able to celebrate this holiday properly, but I can observe it at least.
Of course, to have Mr Sexy here to help me observe this holiday would make it a thousand times better. But, that's another issue, another arguement.
I got a letter on Saturday from the IRS telling me that they have kept my tax return to put towards past taxes. So now that's several hundred dollars that I will not be getting that I was counting on. In fact, I bought my computer with that assumed money.
I can appeal, of course, but my agreement with the ex says I still owe money, so why not let it lie? Because next year they will be trying this again, and then I might not have as easy of a time recouping it.
Not sure what to do about that. Still, I have some time. You get two years to appeal from their first attempt to collect. This is my first record of them trying to do this, so I have 2 years. I still need to make a decision on this soon, though.
SO, all my birthday presents will be money towards the computer (i.e. to help me pay bills) and Mr Sexy doesn't have to stress about me bugging him to set a good date to go to Olympia this summer.
At least we're going out for dinner on my birthday, and I'm going to have crab. Because it's crab season.

Let's see, what's really going on in the world. The White Sox are tied for number one in our division with Detroit with 17 wins. We'll see what happens with tonights game, but it looks like another winner for The Good Guys. (I love it when the announcers say that). Most of the games are only broadcast on cable, so I don't get to watch too many of them (I can't watch day games either). But it seems to be a good thing, because out of the 4 or 5 of the games that I've watched, we've lost most of them. 3.

Also, a mild form of the bird flu was found in New Jersey. But any flu virus that infects birds is called avian, or bird flu. It's the particular strain of H5N1 that we don't want. It's a bit of a Bizarre Love Triangle when it comes to flu viruses, birds, and humans.

Oh, and sorry that I'm getting so link happy, but you gotta check out this story of a python that burst trying to eat an alligator in the Florida Everglades.
So, warning residents of south Florida, there are PYTHONS lurking about! This is also why you shouldn't release your pet snakes in the wild. They do not belong here! That could have been your dog, or your sister.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm a sucker for a grand romantic gesture

Well, grand to me. I came home today to find a tall, thin box on the counter. It was covered with the FTD.com logo, so I knew it was flowers. And they were for me! Now, my first thought was actually that it was from someone in the family for my birthday, and that it was just a week early. Cause I've gotten flowers from them before for my birthday.
But it was a dozen shell-pink roses. From Mr Sexy. I had to dig around for the note to verify this, but it's true it's true, he sent me flowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I managed to get through the whole unwrapping, cutting and vasing of them, and then even take pictures of them in the front room (to be developed) before disappearing downstairs to fall apart. It took a little while for me to pull myself together enough to call him and thank him, but I'm still overwhelmed.
They're not even for my birthday. They're a thank you for believing in him. I don't think, no, I know that I have never gotten roses like that, for no special occasion, yet for something so meaningful.
I'm floored, and the note is really really sweet and something I'm going to read over and over and over until it falls apart.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The taste of feet

Well I feel a bit like an ass. She miscarried.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Getting up in the morning

I got sicky sicky this morning after I got out of the shower. I think it was a combination of not getting enough sleep and drinking too much green tea and grape juice first thing in the morning.
And before any one asks, NO, I'm not pregnant. You have to be having sex for that.

Speaking of pregnant, my first college boyfriend and his wife are going to have a baby. In October. Which is SO weird for me, because I don't know if he's ever even held a baby before.

Feeling so lonely for Mr Sexy right now. Kinda the usual stasis of things, though.